February, 1999 Newsletter

National Gay & Lesbian Task Force names Abrams to board

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force this month named THLA member Bruce M. Abrams to its board of directors. "THLA's co-presidents wish to congratulate Bruce Abrams," said Kurt Hermansen. "We are proud to have Bruce, who is a longtime THLA member and supporter, representing San Diego at the national level on NGLTF's board. Bruce's commitment to equal justice and his understanding of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender issues will be of great use to NGLTF."

Abrams, an attorney specializing in estate planning and non-profit development, is also a recognized legal advocate in San Diego. His work has been honored by the Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund, San Diego's gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) community center, the San Diego AIDS Foundation, and the San Diego City Council, among others.

His support for THLA has included opening his gorgeous Banker's Hill home to our organization for our annual fall law student reception. He has also provided flowers for THLA's annual dinner.

"Our new board members are an impressive and dedicated group, and we are delighted that the Task Force will be the beneficiary of so much skill, experience, and talent," said NGLTF board co-chair Jerry Clark.

Abrams joins Jane Seville of Atlanta, Georgia, and Beth Zemsky of Minneapolis, Minnesota, as the three newest members of the board. He is the only male lawyer on the board.

Abrams is proud of his appointment and of the organization, which he hails as a leading force in developing grassroots programs for increasing empowerment, equality, justice and multicultural outreach.

"This is the essence of our movement," Abrams said. "They want people to come out, become activated. NGLTF works to build coalitions with other groups, such as African Americans, Pan Asians, Latinos, and many religious denominations. The Task Force even has a think tank based in Washington, D.C."

Abrams has been a long-time donor to NGLTF, including holding small dinner party receptions the last two years to raise money for the group's projects. He also coordinated the group's "Creating Change" conference held in San Diego two years ago.

As a new board member, Abrams plans to coordinate annual events in San Diego, as well as use his lawyering skills to develop estate planning projects and build an endowment for the Task Force.

Is Our Umbrella Large or Small? THLA's Ethnic Diversity Outreach, Inclusion of Transgender Issues
By THLA Co-President Kurt Hermansen

For some, THLA's gay-lesbian-bisexual umbrella is big enough. Donning a bigger umbrella that includes transgender and ethnic diversity issues, they say, would "dilute" our mission. I do not believe that a broad mission is a dilute one. In fact, our strength comes from inclusion.

The dilution argument was made to THLA representatives to the San Diego County Bar Association's (SDCBA) Ethnic Minority Relations Committee (EMRC) when it was proposed that EMRC be renamed the "Minority Relations Committee." The name change was proposed in part to recognize THLA's longstanding, active participation on the committee. Unfortunately, in light of Propositions 187 and 209, Operation Gatekeeper, and the demise of bilingual education, some EMRC members saw dropping the word "Ethnic" from the committee's title as another attack, or as they phrased it, as an attempt to "dilute" the committee's emphasis on "ethnic" issues.

When I put together a MCLE seminar at the SDCBA on immigration issues featuring Lilia Velasquez, Carol Halstrom, Claudia Smith, and the ACLU's Jordan Budd, I believed I was doing the right thing. I did not feel my "gay" energies were diluted. If we all strive for equal justice for all, our efforts will be concentrated, not diluted.

By forging alliances, we are strengthened, not weakened. After all, at its core, the arguably tenuous alliance between gays and lesbians has been forged against our common enemies: homophobia and ignorance. If we emphasize this truth, our members and those of San Diego's minority bars may eventually see that it is in everyone's best interest to not only get along, but to circle our wagons and show a united front anytime a "Prop. 187" or a hate crime comes along.

The same glue that sticks gays and lesbians together should join us to the transgender and ethnic minority communities. As the last civil rights movement on the block, we can build the bridges that connect us to these communities by revealing our sad commonality: Usually, the same bigots who discriminate and commit hate crimes against us, treat other minorities with the same disdain.

I think most people will agree we should join forces with other specialty bars such as Lawyers Club, the Earl B. Gilliam Bar Assoc., La Raza Lawyers Assoc. of San Diego, the Native American Lawyers Assoc., the Pan Asian Lawyers Assoc., and the Pilipino-American Lawyers of San Diego. I hope most people will also agree we should embrace transgender individuals. I'm sad to report I've on occasion heard a pull-up-the-ladder outlook expressed: "We've worked hard for our gains in the struggle for equal rights for gays. Transgender people need to fight their own battle."

I've also heard doubts expressed about our commonality. After all, gays and lesbians are discriminated against because of their sexual orientation, but transgendered individuals are discriminated against because of their sexual identity. Most agree that transsexualism generally refers to a subjective sense that one's sex, as indicated by external genitalia, does not agree with one's inner sense of gender. From what I've read and learned from talking with transsexuals, I agree that transsexualism is distinct from sexual orientation. A transsexual, pre- or post-operative, may identify as gay, straight, or bisexual. See, e.g., Mary Coombs, Sexual Dis-Orientation: Transgendered People and Same-Sex Marriage, 8 UCLA WOMEN'S L.J. 219, 237-42 & n.110 (1998). However, homosexuality is about sexual orientation. We are defined as homosexuals because of our erotic attraction to members of the same sex, and we generally don't experience sexual identity discordance.

Despite our differences, the GLB community shares common, though not always identical, issues with the transgender community. None of us act in conformance with the gender-specific rules American society dictates. Our sexual minority status and the unequal treatment we face because of that status, are the ties that bind us together. A similar tie binds us to ethnic minorities.

The common thread that ties queers is our behavior, which garners scorn, hatred and fear. By having sex with someone of the same sex, gay men, lesbians and bisexuals are engaging in nonconforming sexual activity. In my opinion, the root fear is the fear of nonconformity. When a transvestite, pre-operative transsexual, or cross dresser violates gender-specific dress codes, the scorn, hatred and fear experienced by some is no different than that which is created when two gays hold hands in public, two lesbians smooch at Starbucks, or an inter-racial couple walks their dog.

"Both the gay/lesbian and the transgender communities have historically marginalized or excluded gays and lesbians who were also cross-dressers and gender nonconformists." Coombs, supra, 8 UCLA WOMEN'S L.J. at 239. If we are not prepared to embrace differences within our own community, why should we expect straight society to embrace our differentness? No matter how straight we act, no matter how much we may want to assimilate, no matter how many children we raise, we must accept that we are fundamentally different from the typical member of our society. Only through education, outreach and alliances will we learn to embrace our differences and find equal status in society at large.

During my entire tenure as THLA Co-President, I've advocated broadening THLA's mission to include transgender issues. Fortunately, I'm not alone. There are other strong advocates like Bryan Wildenthal, Bridget Wilson and M.E. Stephens, just to name a few. On the ethnic minority front, THLA continues to attend EMRC meetings, minority bar dinners, and distribute this newsletter to each of San Diego's ethnic minority bars. More recently, THLA has stepped up its diversity outreach, and will focus on increasing ethnic minority membership. Carol Rogers, Director of Minority Affairs at California Western School of Law, recently joined THLA's Board of Directors. Carol now chairs our Diversity and Membership Committees. As a heterosexual, African-American female, Carol's presence on the board also brings an added and valued diversity.

Alone, our community faces a sisyphusian task in seeking equal rights. However, with our alliances we shall overcome discrimination. If we stand together under a big enough umbrella, we can all work to avoid getting soaked by the current "reign" of legitimized discrimination (e.g., Prop. 209, Prop. 187 and the Knight (anti-gay marriage) bill). Can we not do more than just get along? If not, why not?

Intern needed for 2 projects

THLA member Gary Holt needs an intern for two gay-oriented projects. One is to review all of San Diego Lesbian & Gay Pride's existing contracts (booth rental, parade application, etc.) for legal "sufficiency." The other is to help with new draft bylaws for GALA Choruses, the international association of Gay and Lesbian choruses. Gary can be reached at 231-1941 or via email

THLA makes nominations for County Bar Service Awards

THLA has submitted seven nominations to the San Diego County Bar Association for its annual service awards.

For the Community Service award, THLA nominated Anna J. Mathews, chair of the City of San Diego's Human Relations Committee for her outstanding community service. In the category of Service to the Legal Profession, THLA nominated Marc Adelman, a local attorney and past president of the state bar, for his outstanding service to the legal profession at a time when politics made it impossible to do so. In the category of Service to Legal Education, THLA nominated Dave Demergian for his outstanding work in Legal Education, which includes his efforts to educate the community about alcohol/substance abuse and performing interventions.

THLA nominated deputy public defender Juliana Humphrey for her tireless efforts on behalf of all San Diegans for the Public Attorney award. As for the Distinguished Citizen award, THLA nominated The Center's Karen Marshall for her efforts on behalf of the gay and lesbian community and the protections afforded in San Diego for that group of people. Concommitantly, THLA nominated the Lesbian and Gay Men's Community Center as Distinguished Organization, for its longstanding service to the community.

Finally, THLA nominated co-president M.E. Stephens as Legal Professional of the Year, for her community service efforts as vice-chair of the city's Human Relations Commission and as co-president of THLA.

Annual meeting, elections set March 4

On March 4, 1999, THLA will hold its annual meeting and election of board members. The meeting will be held in Room 2-F of California Western School of Law, 350 Cedar Street, San Diego, just prior to the scheduled program on diversity.

The organization's bylaws call for election of eight to fourteen directors, whose duty and responsibility it shall be to direct and manage the affairs of the organization. When feasible, half the members should be male and half female.

Board members commit to attending one board meeting on the first Monday evening of each month and participating in the planning and execution of THLA events.

Officers, who include a secretary, treasurer, male co-president and female co-president, are elected by the board from among the directors. The new officers are announced at the annual dinner in May.

Anyone who is interested in seeking a seat on the board or nominating someone else to the board should contact co-presidents Kurt Hermansen, 557-3426, or M.E. Stephens, 234-5488. All members are encouraged to attend and participate in deciding the future of the organization.

Ad exec needed to sell CHEAP ads

The THLA newsletter is seeking a person to solicit advertising. Readers may have noticed that over the past eight months, the quantity and quality of copy presented in the newsletter has improved substantially. The newsletter, however, still lacks advertising to help cover the costs of mailing to over 150 individuals and organizations.

Rates proposed by the board of directors are extremely reasonable: $25 for a business card or quarter-page; $50 for a half-page; $75 for three-quarters page; and $100 for a full page. All rates are for three consecutive months of advertising.

Newsletter writer Becky Jones has offered to help produce/design all ads. Anyone interested should call Becky at (619) 232-8649.

THLA to file amicus brief in discrimination case

Attorneys from THLA have moved for permission to file an amicus curiae brief in the case of Murray v. Oceanside Unified School District, to be filed in the Fourth District Court of Appeal, Division One. The case involves allegations that Murray, a teacher, suffered discrimination based on her sexual orientation.

Lead counsel on the case is Lambda Legal Defense and Education Fund. Bob Lynn, THLA Amicus Committee Chair, said Lambda contacted THLA in mid-1998 to seek THLA's help. Lynn, Darrin Wessel, M.E. Stephens and Mike Kaye are drafting the brief.

Domestic violence often remains hidden in gay community

While domestic violence in the gay community has only received limited attention from academics thus far, preliminary studies indicate that as many as 50 percent of all relationships involve physical abuse.

That was the hard news given to about 30 people who attended THLA's February meeting on domestic violence. Dr. Delores Jacobs, a psychologist who treats offenders, explained that preliminary studies on domestic violence in the gay community have been quite limited so far. Interestingly, Jacobs reported, a huge percentage of those involved in partnership violence are HIV-positive.

In addition to identifying the frequency of occurrence, these studies have found that there is great reluctance, which comes from both within and without the community, to report the violence. The reluctance stems in part from victims' resistance to coming out, as well as stereotypes such as "boys will be boys" that downplay the actual harm caused by male-on-male violence, Jacobs said.

Another problem stems from the system's inability to identify who the victim is: In same sex relationships, the violence often becomes reciprocal and the physical disparities between the partners usually is not as pronounced as in heterosexual couples. As a result, it becomes difficult to determine who instigated the violence.

Speaker Heather Berberet reported that John Whiteman of the City Attorney's Domestic Violence Unit says that 30 percent of reported domestic violence cases are not prosecuted because authorities cannot determine who the victim was.

The good news is that the system is responding to the existence of gay domestic violence by opening treatment centers that focus on gay relationships, Berberet said. The Center has groups for both batterers and victims, and Professional Community Services also offers gay programs.

Kate Yavenditti, who works with the San Diego Volunteer Lawyer Program, explained how victims of domestic violence can obtain restraining orders against their batterers. She explained that the San Diego court system is in the process of trying to combine both civil and criminal aspects of domestic violence litigation to make batterers more accountable.

Judge Bonnie Dumanis, who formerly presided over the domestic violence court downtown, explained how judges deal with batterers and what sorts of programs they are required to attend.

NGLTF gears up for campaign to increase state activism

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force is planning a nationwide effort to push for legislation supporting gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender equality.

From March 21 to 27, NGLTF will be sponsoring efforts in all 50 states and the District of Columbia to bolster the infrastructure of the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender movement in each state.

Here in California, one focus of the week will be putting together a campaign to defeat the Knight initiative, which would prohibit the state from recognizing gay marriages sanctioned by other states.

"Our demands are simple and in line with basic American values: the right to be safe, to have a family, to hold a job, and to participate fully as citizens," said gina Reiss, co-chair of the Federation of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Statewide Political Organizations.

California Supreme Court to sit in San Diego week of April 5

The California Supreme Court will sit in San Diego to hear oral argument on a number of cases the week of April 5, 1999. The court will hold its sessions in the Moot Courtroom at California Western School of Law, 350 Cedar Street. The room holds about 110 to 120 people. It is anticipated that the Court will sit all day on Tuesday and on Wednesday morning. The public is invited to attend, and THLA members are encouraged to take advantage of this unique opportunity to hear arguments before the highest court of the state. The court's docket for that week will not be decided and distributed until about 30 days before April 6.

THLA co-prez turns tradition on its head

The first thing you notice about M.E. Stephens is either her name or her looks, both of which are purposely -- and effectively -- androgenous.

M.E., which is short for "Mary Ellen," knew from a young age that she never felt like a "Mary" and much preferred her brothers' clothes to the "fru-fru" dresses her mother bought for her. Although Stephens had great affection for her vivacious, ultrafeminine mother, "my brother Jake had as much interest in emulating my mother physically as I did," Stephens said. The THLA co-president sports an attractive, short haircut (most commonly characterized as boyish) and two- or three-piece suits that hang comfortably on her angular frame.

She didn't get the chutzpah, as she puts it, to start signing "M.E." until she was working as an associate at Gray, Cary, Ware and Friedenrich, but taking that step infused her with an intoxicating sense of empowerment. Even then, the firm resisted the change; she was only able to use M.E. with the help of a supportive secretary and office administrator who surreptitiously ordered "M.E. Stephens" business cards for her.

While her name's ambiguity makes some people uncomfortable, it has given her endless fodder for conversations. "It's a great business builder," she laughs. Sometimes to ease people's discomfort, she'll make jokes -- "I always know who I am -- I'm me."

Surprisingly, even people in the gay community are uncomfortable with her ambiguous name and looks. To her, however, the most important thing is to be happy with who you are. That was a painful lesson she learned from her mother's death at age 52 from cancer.

"It's the here and now that counts," Stephens said. "You have to do what makes you happy, not what makes other people comfortable." Although Stephens had always been out at work, she said, "I had done things at Gray Cary to make other people comfortable, but that pretty much came to a screeching halt. I like baseball, I like cars, I like women. This is who I am."

Yet, she explains, it's not the fact that she shares a lot of traditionally male characteristics that makes her attracted to women. Our sexuality and orientation are not inextricably tied to our exterior packaging, she says, even if the packaging may fit some stereotype of "gay" or "lesbian." It is her stubborn resolve to challenge traditional notions of putting people in boxes -- rather than accepting them for who they are, an amalgam of delightfully diverse characteristics that defy packaging -- that energizes Stephens.

But Stephens wants to challenge more than just rigid views of sexuality and gender; she also wants to push the edge of the envelope within the legal system so it can accommodate multi-dimensional views of all issues and conflicts.

"It's working within the system to make positive change," Stephens said. "If you're a lawyer, you have to believe that there's something inherently good about the system, there's something about it that works correctly even if there are parts that work badly. I think the constitution, for the most part, is a good first start toward where I hope humans will evolve.

"We tend to be very binary, think in zeros and ones, man and woman, homo and hetero, boy and girl," she explained. "We don't think exponentially. I think our constitution is built well enough that it provides a sound or solid enough foundation that it can work with us once we become more sophisticated and begin thinking and acting exponentially."

Stephens saw becoming a lawyer as a way to help people who were disadvantaged or marginalized or not as well represented in the "system." "If you look at the numbers," she noted, "only roughly 5 percent of the population has actual access to the legal system. That basically marginalizes 95 percent of the population."

Her solution? Change the system to make it accessible to everyone. "It was my dream to put myself out of business," she said. "Eventually it would be simple enough that lawyers would be unnecessary."

Stephens decided the best place to go to begin her quest of changing the system was the insiders' inside track: Gray, Cary, Ware and Friedenrich. She originally had been selected as the Rutgers University-Camden law student to apply for the prestigious Skadden Arps public interest fellowship, a program under which the firm chooses 40 people nationally to design and implement their own public interest law programs. Skadden Arps would have paid Stephens's law school loans, as well as a decent salary.

In the meantime, however, Stephens spent her summer working at Gray, Cary, and found the experience surprisingly pleasant. When Gray, Cary offered her a permanent position, Stephens felt like she had just been accepted to Harvard: The biggest and the best was inviting her to go there, work, and learn the ins and outs of the legal system. She couldn't resist.

It didn't take Stephens long to start challenging the firm's notions of tradition. While she was busy taking depositions and honing her civil litigation skills, Stephens was struggling with her name change and with coming out in a very public way -- in the newspaper.

Around the same time THLA was forming, reporter Martin Crumming decided to do a story on gay lawyers. Only he had a hard time finding subjects for his article. He ended up publishing a piece that featured only two lawyers, both at Gray, Cary: Stephens and former THLA co-president David Watson. "We got mostly positive feedback," Stephens said. "Overall, I think it had a huge impact. It was about that time that THLA was forming, and while I can't say it was a catalyst, I think it had an impact."

Eventually, for a variety of reasons, Stephens left the big firm for a smaller firm, Post, Kirby, Noonan and Sweat. After several years there, she finally took the leap into solo practice, and she couldn't be happier.

Despite Stephens's dogged resistance to "tradition," there is one traditional choice in her life she cherishes: Her decision to marry her soul mate, Julie Greiner.

"We just had this incredible connection that there really aren't words for -- I wanted to own/take back all of the traditional things that people say and do related to that sort of bond between people," Stephens said.

"I bought a very traditional engagement ring. Then we went out to Tiburon and I got down on one knee -- in public -- and asked her to share her life with me. I was scared to death, because I didn't know what she'd say."

The couple planned their nuptials at the historic U.S. Grant Hotel, where they followed traditional wedding etiquette, right down to Julie wearing a formal gown that Stephens didn't see till Julie walked down the aisle and vows administered by an officer of the court, Commissioner (and THLA member) Sandy Berry.

"It was the most magical day ever," Stephens said. The ceremony closed with an Irish blessing: May the wind always be at your back; may the road rise to meet you . . . until we meet again, may love hold you in the hollow of her hand.

So far, so good.

The National Gay and Lesbian Task Force is proud to announce

EQUALITY BEGINS AT HOME March 21-27, 1999 a nationwide initiative to build support for laws that counter hate violence, ban employment discrimination, provide safe schools for all students, ensure the right to adopt and become foster parents and address health issues including HIV/AIDS.

To volunteer, contact Brian Polejes at 694-5426; to donate, contact Bruce M. Abrams at 235-0756. See NGLTF's web site at calcape.org and equalitybeginsathome.org